My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
