I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
