why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
whose parrot is this?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
