We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
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