You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
