Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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