Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
