sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
