I'm really into asian looking animals
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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