end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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