I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
