Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize