I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Randomize
