I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
