Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
