I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
