A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
