it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
