I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize