I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
