there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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