WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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