i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
