Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
