Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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