I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
