Where are you?
In a non slutty way
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
