everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You ate ashes out of my bong
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
