Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
