If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
