Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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