is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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