This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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