11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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