good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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