I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
birth control should be required to get into college
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
