Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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