My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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