I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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