Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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