Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
