So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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