I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
