did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
