you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
