We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
