And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
