I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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