I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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