A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We need to feng shui this bitch.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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