i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
