i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just found a bag of teeth...
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
