She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Of course I have a pirate flag
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
