I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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