OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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