So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
