I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Less talking, more tequila
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
