it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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