i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
