grandma shit on top of the toilet
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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