Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
