i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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