In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
