She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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