Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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