Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
