I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Shame - the story of my life.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
