Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
