dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
