There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
