His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
