He disabled his match.com account in front of me
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
We need to get me chipped asap
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
