I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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