all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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