When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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