i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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