After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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