Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
