I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Randomize
