1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
This is my gift to your gina
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
