Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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